Kids, Cats & Uncle Chuck

EvolutionI’m no subscriber to Darwin’s evolutionary theory…or at least I wasn’t, until recently.  One single event of the past week may have changed my mind.

To frame my change of position, I need to make a few assertions which may, or may not be obvious (I assume nothing about the readership of this blog).  Nonetheless, I make them.

Things we know:

  1. Charles Darwin was the father of the natural selection as means for species formation theory
  2. Cats (Felis catus) are of the feline species
  3. Kids are of a variety of species, goats and humans being the most common.  For the purposes of this blog entry, the term henceforth will refer to children of human origin.

Things there is considerable debate on:

  1. Proof for Darwin’s theory
  2. The origin of modern-day cats
  3. The origin of modern-day kids

Why I used to think Darwinism is wrong

I used to believe that Darwin’s theory of species evolution was wrong because of it’s mistaken leap of applying the observance of intra-species adaptation for inter-species transformation.  If you have no idea what the previous statement means, skip it.  If you believe I somehow botched the statement and wish to comment as such, hold off…you’re about to be redeemed, or possibly less irritated with me.

I now believe that while Darwin didn’t have the correct test subjects to observe (the astoundingly wide and diverse variety of animal, plant and insect life of the Galapagos Islands), he did come to the correct conclusion.  Everything takes on new and different characteristics in response to environmental changes and, over time become entirely new species.

So, what species should Darwin have been studying in order to more soundly defeat his critics?  Kids and Cats.

You know how cats have the fantastically keen ability to  a) identify their enemy,  b) identify his possessions, and  c) insult their enemy via instigating the most infuriating method of destruction or maiming of said possessions? There’s at least one other species that has this same ability.  The human kid.

Game on, Mr.

I know this because I have lived with cats and with kids. Simultaneously and distinctly.  And as remiss as I am to admit, I have played enemy and target of both cats and kids.  Some of these targeting instances have occurred as direct results of my own actions against the species, others baffle me yet.

The most memorable of instances with a cat involved two felines owned by a former roommate of mine during our college years.  My buddy and I continually tortured those cats with such amusing games as spin the cat on the linoleum and soak the cat w/a squirt bottle.  In return, the kittys repaid my efforts at cheap amusement with some spraying of their own…their urine, my freshly washed and dried clothes.  I really don’t miss those cats.

With kids, the instances of destruction are so many that I can only count the most recent few…which brings me to the Darwinian connection.

This past week, my two-year-old was acting up while the rest of the family toiled in the details of getting ready for work/school.  She wanted a pancake, or some strawberry milk, or perhaps something which belonged to some other family member.  Taking serious my duties as President, CEO and Chairman of household order and discipline, I put things straight and went back to my normal dressing, brushing and packing routine.

Did I mention that the two-year-old is currently toilet training?  No?  Well, she is…and oh, what joys this task presents!  Potty training a reasonably apt dog takes little more than a day.  Potty training a cat (one that you are not presently torturing) is unnecessary.  Potty training a kid takes approximately seven months, 215 extra loads of laundry and 100% of your remaining patience (my wife told me so).

Back to the action of the morning in question, the ending of which you may now be seeing glimpses.  I corrected the derisive actions of the two-year-old and went back to getting ready for work.  The two-year-old, cute as she is, took some initiative in creative self-potty training while I was occupied when she found, hovered over and subsequently peed in my shoe.  I know this, not because I witnessed the act, but because I found her 100% wetter than in our previous engagement and then found the shoe, also 100% wetter than before.

And thus, my change of mind on Darwinian evolution.  Clearly, kids evolved from cats…tortured cats to be specific.

About Rob Rob writes and sometimes "rights the write" of other writers. View all posts by Rob

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